Coming down to the basics here are 8 signs that you are going through an emotionally abusive relationship.
Being abused sucks! And that’s an understatement. Everyone hears about physical violence. But no one understand the depths of the emotional violence creeping behind it.
If you read this post and say to yourself, “That’s me!” Then you need to leave that relationship now. Do not waste your time anymore on a leech.
Let’s get to it.
01) Always putting the blame on you –
You seem to be the reason why his life isn’t going how he expected it to go. Everything is your fault apparently. Even when the situation has nothing to do with you.
He didn’t get his promotion at work and that’s your fault. It has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn’t put in any work. Or that his attendance sucks. It’s your fault that he slacks at work profusely but didn’t get the promotion he wanted.
Or maybe he had an argument with his mother and he’s taking his frustration out on you. Yelling at you as if you made it happen.
In any situation an emotional abuser finds a way to make you the problem. When really it is him. He’s the problem. Don’t be fooled by these tactics. He is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions. And in his mind the only logical thing to do is to blame someone else for them. Being that you are the closest to him, he chooses to blame it all on you.
02) Constant Issues with His Ex’s –
Let’s clear the air on this one. He will tell you that every one of his ex’s was the problem. There is absolutely zero introduction of him doing something bad to them or treating them like crap. Remember, he’s unable to take any responsibility for his own actions.
His ex is the one that cheated, when it was him. She was the one that was abusive and calling him all kinds of demeaning things. She left him for another guy.
Anything that he did he is probably flipping it on his ex(es) to make them look like the crazy ones. When in fact, he is the crazy one.
03) Making up stories to get what they want out of you –
No matter what the extent. One time my narcissistic emotional abuser went through this whole dramatic scene, tears and all. Telling me that he had pancreatic cancer and was dying.
His goal: to win me back. He needed me and my assets and he was willing to go through great lengths to do this.
I hate to say it but it worked.
The worst part was he adored his grandmother who died of pancreatic cancer a few years before this. And that was the excuse he was using.
The thing that made me question it was this: he refused to get any medical help.
Now he was very BIG on hygiene and health. Having the littlest pain in his side made him react like a lunatic. Constantly going to the ER to get it checked over and over again. Even when the doctors repeatedly told him nothing was wrong.
So him not seeking any help for pancreatic cancer?? That was weird, very weird. He told me he had a few months to live but was not doing any chemotherapy or nothing.
He’s still alive. Not dead.
04) Gets upset if you do not agree with them –
No matter how wrong they are.
I would personally just agree with him because I knew how he would dramatically react. Again, this comes down to not taking any responsibility. And the fact that you are expected to feed their selfish ego.
Emotionally abusive people cannot be put down. They already feel so much insecurity within themselves so they need you to validate everything for them. Which is so annoying because it’s like you become their personal therapist instead of their other half.
It drained me to constantly have to reassure him of things.
If I didn’t agree with whatever he was trying to do or say he would get upset with me. And begin to degrade me as if I just pulled the biggest scheme on him ever. Because of this I learned to just agree with him, even when he’s wrong. Which is usually every time.
But I am not in this relationship anymore and looking back I should have left earlier and never returned. Do not put yourself into a situation like this where you have to constantly reassure your other half. This is part of the emotional abuse and your partner should never expect you to do this.
They should be able to take constructive criticism, especially from you, and not get upset like that.
05) Denies any real facts, making you feel like your going crazy –
There were many moments where I stopped and looked at him like…what? Did you just hear yourself? That makes no sense.
He would do or say one thing and in a split second (literally) he would deny that it happened. And a lot of times he would do this for no reason. Just to do it.
Sometimes he would deny it later on in the day or the next day. But he always made me feel like I was imagining things when I knew I wasn’t. It drove me nuts because I didn’t understand why he would keep doing it.
He was playing with me. He wanted me confused so that he could place the blame on me later and I wouldn’t be able to defend myself. This is another wasteful tactic that drained my energy.
06) Lack of respect for your property and privacy –
Lack of respect for property:
My things were never as important as his. Including my feelings.
He would use my van constantly and not take care of it. Never putting gas ever and would probably only clean it once every 4 months if I asked. He would drive his friends and family all over the place and would pay no mind when I told him I didn’t like that. My van wasn’t their taxi and no one distributed anything to help me fix it up or maintain it.
He didn’t care. He continued to do what he wanted with it.
The worst part of it was he would get favors from his family or friends when he took them around on my van. But never did he get anything for me out of it. My gas and miles, including wear and tear, would run up but it wasn’t his problem. He didn’t care.
Emotional abusers will do this to show the victim that they have no control over anything. Even their own property. Making the victim feel like they are worth nothing. That their feelings and thoughts do not matter.
Lack of respect for privacy:
He would constantly look through my phone. Sometimes for hours at a time. Trying to find a reason why I was “cheating” on him.
I can’t even count how many times he did this. I started to get anxiety when I knew he was going to look through my phone. Why? Because I knew it would start an argument and possibly a physical attack on me.
But I was NEVER allowed to go through his phone.
Hmm..wonder why *sarcasm*
I hated these moods he got in and told him many times that he needed to stop. He never did. He just did it more secretly. When I slept.
He got tired of hearing me say this over and over again so he would wait till I fell asleep then go through my phone.
The reason I knew this was because he would slip. He would say things to me that I never told him. Or make comments about things we never discussed. And I knew the only way he knew this is by going through my phone. But I wouldn’t see him going through my phone anymore so how is that possible? Because he did it while I slept. Terrible.
07) Constantly degrading you –
This became my norm because I would hear it from him so much. I unconsciously became resentful towards him because he would always degrade me.
And sometimes not bluntly. He would ask me why I was wearing a certain outfit, with a disgusted look on his face. Or he would tease the sandals I thought were cute. Making me feel so stupid that I decided not to buy them.
He would criticize my family, friends, and co-workers. Making me feel like I was stupid to be conversing with people like that. He would laugh at things I say and make it sound like I was stupid. When in fact he was the stupid one because he didn’t understand the meaning behind what I was saying.
It was constant criticism. Sometimes I would call him out on it or if I got angry I would show it. After leaving him I realized how hurt and resentful I was because of this.
08) Expects you to listen to their emotions but has no care for yours –
Oh my goodness I hated this. It’s one thing to listen to how your partner feels. It’s another for them to not listen back. And he never cared about how I was feeling. Only himself.
There were numerous times where I would just sit there, sometimes for an hour or more, listening to him whine and complain about his feelings. It would be anything. From something I didn’t do for him or from a co-worker at work, anything.
He made it a norm for me to sit there and listen to his “sad” stories. And if I didn’t agree with how he felt or acknowledge how deeply sorry I was that he was going through it he would get angry at me. Telling me how terrible of a person I was because I wasn’t saying anything.
A lot of times there was nothing to say. He would just go on and on and then stop in the middle and ask me what I thought about it. When I begun to tell him what I thought he would get frustrated and I didn’t understand why. He asked me what I thought why is he getting upset?
If I didn’t give him the reaction he wanted, I was a terrible person and a bad wife.
But when I needed to let out some of my emotions he would change the subject instantly. And if I started talking about it again he would continue to change the subject. Until I realized he didn’t want to hear it. So I eventually stopped even trying to talk about anything I felt.
Emotional abusers want to be the center of attention. And your life or priorities are not important if it doesn’t make them look better. Period.