For anyone who’s been in a relationship with a narcissist, they can understand that making a narcissist leave you alone is like trying to leave the planet. Somewhat impossible. Or so that is how it feels most of the time.
One big reason people stay in a narcissistic relationship is because they feel like they can never leave. They feel like they could never escape. A majority of the reason they feel like this is because of the psychological and emotional abuse they deal with when in that narcissistic relationship. After everything the narcissist says and does as well as all the psychotic threats that come out of them (not to mention the psychotic actions of the narcissist) it generates fear and confusion into the victim. The victim understands what THE VICTIM wants but is
stuck in the narcissist’s grip so tightly that they are afraid to take any action to leave.
When a narcissist feels threatened or feels that they are losing control, they will do anything within their power to KEEP that control. And when I say anything I mean anything. From making false promises, saying everything the victim wants to hear to the psychotic actions of stalking you at your work or calling your phone (literally) 100 times a day. Leaving text messages that first start out as “I can’t live without you” or “You’re the only one I need” to the psychotic side of threats and “No one will have you if I can’t”. Pfff.
Trust me I’ve been in this type of situation before in my former narcissistic relationship. And I can tell you that most of this talk and action is their way to get the victim to stay with them, no matter what. The narcissist will go through great lengths to keep their victim under their control until they realize, one good day, that the victim will not budge and will not tolerate any more. No matter what the narcissist says or does.
Don’t get me wrong dealing with a narcissist CAN be deadly and getting rid of them will be darn right ugly. But it can be done. You just need to learn to put your foot down and stop allowing them to control your life and especially YOUR MIND!
Some steps you will need to take to get rid of a narcissist for good are essential and can be very HARD. A victim may feel like giving up when doing this because it can become very stressful and bring on a lot of anxiety and worry. But I encourage you NOT TO GIVE UP. Continue doing what you need to do by ANY MEANS. And think of the long term effects, not just whats happening in the NOW. This is for the betterment of YOUR life, not his. YOU are in control. NOT HIM! And you need to get that through his head, by any means necessary. That is the ONLY way he will realize you are serious and that his playing games with you ARE DONE.
Lets take a deeper look into this.
1. LOCATION –
If you are currently living with a narcissist the first thing you will need to do is PHYSICALLY LEAVE him. It is easier for a narcissist to control you if you are around them 24/7. He knows this. That is a big reason why he convinced you to move in with him.
You literally need to LEAVE. Now in some (or most) situations of living with a narcissist it can be very scary and unnerving for a victim to think about leaving, but it needs to be done. If you feel like you are trapped, which most victims do, to the point where you cannot even dump the trash without his knowing, then you need to plan this part extremely well and with extreme caution. DO NOT let him know in any way that you are thinking or planning on leaving. If he finds this out there is one of two things that could happen.
The first thing is he will use his charm to convince you to stay. This may include sweet-talking you, buying you lavish gifts, making you feel pity or guilt for him, treating you how you actually should be treated, or even begging you not to go. Remember a narcissist will DO or SAY whatever he needs to in order to keep control OVER you. Don’t fall for it. He will go back to the same bad ways he was in once he realizes you aren’t leaving.
Secondly, things may take a turn for the worst if he finds out that you are planning to leave him. Meaning he may start to get loud, insulting, and may even physically hurt you. He may start breaking things around the house or threatening to harm you or someone you know/love. We definitely want to stay away from this scenario, we do not want anyone getting hurt. He will put fear inside of you in order to force you to stay.
Now to get a better idea of this read my blog ‘3 Steps to Escape An Abusive Relationship’ to give you more insight.
2. ISOLATION –
Now this may be the most challenging part of all, isolation. When I say isolation I do not mean for the victim to shut out everyone in their life, by all means don’t do that. I mean you need to isolate the NARCISSIST.
To say it bluntly, some of these actions will include:
- Letting him know you are leaving and not coming back
- When I say this, I mean to call or text it to him especially if you know he may get violent. Like I said, we are not trying to have anyone get hurt. But he needs to hear it FROM YOU that the relationship is OVER.
- Not answering any of his calls/texts/emails/social media attempts
- Not texting or calling him at all
- Ignoring his pity/guilt trips and sweet-talking (because it will happen)
- Ignore any one of his family/friends who call/text you because of the breakup. He is probably telling them a whole sad story and they are most likely confused as well. If you feel comfortable enough you can always tell his mom/dad/brother/sister that you broke up with him and you just want him to leave you alone. Depending on what he told THEM, they may try to convince you to stay but remember YOU are in control. I cannot stress this enough. You are not obligated to stay, so don’t.
- Letting your family, friends, co-workers, etc. know whats happening so that they don’t give him any information on your whereabouts
Understand that he WILL threaten you and/or the people you know/love. If he does this, especially if he does this excessively, you need to take action on it. And do NOT take his threats lightly.
3. ACTION –
As I mentioned, leaving a narcissist can be DEADLY. Again, do NOT take any threats lightly, even if he brings up suicide. Take ACTION NOW!
- Any personal information he has on you needs to be addressed.
- Any bank accounts you share jointly should be closed out and create one in YOUR NAME only. If he has the information for an account with just you on it, I suggest you close it out anyway and open a new one preferably at a different bank.
- Anything within your control that he has information to needs to be removed. If his name is only any of your personal accounts, take it off or close it out.
- It is better to be safe than sorry in the long run.
- Log down everything he says, every time he calls, whenever he pops up, etc. If it is a text or social media threat, screenshot it and save it. Printing it out will help to ensure that you do not lose it. Or you can just save it to your cloud.
- Call 911 and file a report if the threats are becoming too excessive or happening too often. Keep the report number and card and store it somewhere safe.
- Let everyone know whats happening. Family, friends, co-workers, etc. Let them know you left him on *this* day and that you are not planning on going back. Let them know if he asks for your information not to give anything out to him.
- If it comes down to it DO NOT HESITATE to get a TRO against him. Your safety is FIRST and foremost. If you DO NOT feel safe anywhere then you NEED to get a TRO. Go to the nearest courthouse first thing in the morning and file it. Put your home, work, church, children on it as well. Your family members could also get a TRO on him if they also feel threatened so let them know this.
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 immediately if he mentions anything about suicide.
The hardest part here will be getting him off your back. You will also have a sinking feeling of loneliness when you leave him because you will miss him. But remember it is a breakup and you will go through the motions of a breakup will this happen. Just don’t let yourself get to the point where you go back.
4. TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF –
Do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself, both inside and out. If you are nervous going to work or walking to your house from your car, carry some pepper spray on you or even a small knife or box cutter. Ask someone to walk or drive you to work./school. Do NOT be afraid to reach out for help.
The most important thing you need right now is support in every way. And the ones that love and care for you will do what ever they can in their power to help you get your life back to normal and feel safe again.
Here are some things I suggest you do:
- Protect yourself – hold some type of legitimate weapon or pepper-spray on you for defense.
- Take up self defense classes, boxing, karate, whatever physical activity that will help you protect yourself.
- Get enough rest – being with a narcissist will wear you out and in order to perform your best in every which way you need to catch up on some Zzzz’s.
- Get in therapy or groups – Search the internet or ask around for a good therapy or group session specifically for abusive relationships or depression. Try things out and find out which one fits you best.
- Don’t be afraid to live your life once the drama has died down. Go to the beach, to the mall, go to dinner with friends you haven’t been able to hang out with for a while. You are starting your life over. Make it fun, you deserve it.
- Cater to Yourself – With all this nonsense going on you need to treat yourself. Whether it’s to a large ice cream sundae you’ve been craving, a mani/pedi that you’ve been due to have, or even a nice relaxing massage that will ease your body and get your mind off things. Do what you NEED to do for YOU. And sometimes you need to be pampered.
Please, first and foremost, look out for yourself. Be extremely careful and cautious. A narcissist can be very witty and clever so a lot of times you need to think outside the box.
To help push you into leaving this narcissistic/toxic relationship I recommend this e-book to help get you out asap:
Some people need that little (or HUGE) nudge in this case to leave an abusive partner. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me.
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