When it comes to learning how to escape an abusive relationship many victims hesitate until they absolutely cannot take it an longer. In my eyes there are two types of abused victims: a dependent victim and a non-dependent victim.
A dependent victim relies on the abuser for financial and physical stability. Some do not work and are “stay at home” wives/mothers while others may have jobs but don’t make enough to pay the rent.
A non-dependent victim is someone who is independent usually before they get into an abusive relationship. These victims can be bosses or even CEOs, these women take care of themselves and do not rely on the abuser for any help.
The reason for this explanation first is because a lot of people who think of victims of abuse, a majority of the time, automatically assume that the victim has no where to go when trying to escape from an abusive relationship. On the contrary, some victims do have places to run to. Maybe a family members home, a friends place, or even a coworkers crib. But not all victims are “helpless”. There are also many domestic violence shelters that help to keep victims safe. The problem isn’t necessarily where to go, the problem is are you going to stay away.
Start to Plan it NOW
There are 3 basic things a victim needs to literally plan in order to escape the abuser. Many times during the actual abuse a victim ponders on escaping, over and over again. But after the abuse has occurred the victim becomes too scared or questions if she is capable of leaving. For example, thoughts like “What if he finds me?” or “Will I ever be out of this hell?” begin to continually circle in their head.
If you are a victim of abuse and think that you cannot escape, DON’T! Your mind is already confused which is exactly what the abuser does to get you to stay. You CAN escape and you NEED to escape, for your own safety and well-being and possibly for the safety and well- being of your children also.
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1) Preplanning the Escape –
You literally need to plan this and I’m not talking lightly when I say this. Only you as the victim will know exactly where your abuser will be about 99% of the time. He keeps a good eye on you and because of this you know exactly where he’ll be as well. Use this to your advantage.
The best time to escape is when you know for sure that he is some where he NEEDS to be for A WHILE. Maybe he has an important meeting that he needs to go to, maybe he has a class he has no choice but to attend for an hour or two, anywhere he is at for an hour AT THE LEAST is the best time to leave.
Once you’ve figured out when you are leaving you need to plan the timeline, how you will escape and what you will take with you. Now if you have a car make sure it is not under his name or he will find a way to take it back. But if you do have your own car the transportation part is not a problem just make sure you have it with you at that moment. If you don’t have a car see if someone can pick you up or if you absolutely have to take a taxi or the bus as your last resort.
Remember at minimum you only have an hour (maybe more) to leave but don’t take your time with this, do it as quickly and accurately as possible. Do not let him find out that your leaving or the abuse might get worse, don’t even MENTION it. Keep it all locked in your skull, the less he knows the better.
Pack up the Essentials
First and foremost take only the essentials that you absolutely need. Things like your phone, charger, money, clothes, underwear, sheets, pillows, your toothbrush, one or two pairs of shoes, etc. Also, if you have kids don’t forget to pack their ESSENTIALS as well: bottle, powder milk, diapers, wipes, clothes, shoes, shampoo, a few toys if you need it to keep them quiet, etc. Remember, don’t write it down keep it in your head. Look around each room quickly and grab what you NEED. Don’t worry about keeping your bags neat because it probably won’t happen if your in a rush.
Also, it is very important to prepare yourself as far as what you can carry or pack while your with your child(ren). At max try to have 3 bags or less, preferably 1 large bag but if you have more than one child you might need more, remember only the essentials. If you are catching the bus you may not have a choice. Have your child carry a small back pack but don’t make it too heavy. You should have a backpack as well and an extra bag that you can hall around if it permits. Make sure you are capable of hauling everything do not over exert yourself.
Do your best to plan all of this step by step so you make less errors. Run it through your mind over and over again. Think of any possible scenarios that may happen so you can work around it. For example, if you know your car may not start because it’s been giving you issues with that have a Plan B and tell a family member or friend about “your escape” (day and time). They will most likely be willing to help you, especially if they know your in an abusive relationship.
2) Preparing Yourself –
Now you may be thinking that I literally just told you how to prepare yourself. So what are you talking about? Well I’m not talking about that type of preparation. I’m talking about the mental kind. Why? Because your heart will probably be RACING the moment he leaves your sight and ESPECIALLY when you actively start packing everything away and moving around frantically. I’m sorry to say but you need to expect this.
I know that you have already been fighting yourself about it for a while. First you were sick of it and no matter what he said you were leaving. Then he does or says something sweet to you and it’s a complete switch because he actually treated you like he’s supposed to. And blah blah blah the cycle goes on and on. The cycle won’t stop with him. And he is not seeing any problem with how things are going. As long as you are wrapped around his finger there’s no issues. As long as you bow down to one of his needs and wants, even if it kills you, everything will be ok. NO!! IT WILL NOT!! This messed up cycle will repeat forever unless YOU STOP IT!! And this is the moment you need to turn your life around for the better. To make things the RIGHT normal because you’ve been living a messed up normal for too long.
Don’t get Stuck, Remember WHY Your Doing This
Think of the overall picture, think of all the things he’s done to you that I’m sure you hate him for, think of your peace, think of yourself in 5 years NOT with this guy and HAPPY! Like actually HAPPY, inside bubbly happy. Where you wake up in the morning looking forward to the day and not just moving through it like a robot. Prepare your mind. The battle will take place and it has to in order for you to have your peace. So put your armor on because it WILL be a bumpy ride. But FIRST, you need to remove yourself from that life.
Understand that you will be scared, worried, nervous, paranoid, and definitely skeptical when you start packing your essentials. It will most likely be one of the most memorable times in your life because of the impact it will have on the rest of your life, if you are capable of completely shutting him out. I’m not gonna sugar coat it for you. You need to know what you will be facing. You need to acknowledged, accept it, and just do it.
He will always be there to convince you not to, whether he does it straight forward or not. But you know better and you know this isn’t right. It is better for you to leave and deal with a few years of battle and be happy afterwards for the rest of your life than to stick around and live in this TORMENT for the next 40 years! Make the move NOW!
3) Taking the Action –
He’s gone and it’s time to pack. Focus on everything when this moment starts. Use every sense you have in your body. Pay attention to the sounds around you, watch your surroundings, pay attention to cars going by or doors opening. I say this because if he comes home while your in the middle of leaving him, it won’t be pretty. Don’t let the fear or any other emotion stop you from doing this. Like I said it won’t be easy, keep going.
Pack your bags and get out. Do your best not to show any stress or negative emotions (including panic) if you have a child(ren) with you. You will only make them nervous and scared if you show this. Do your best.
Now let’s say you’ve done it, you got out and you left, safely. This is where the real action comes in. Once he finds out what you’ve done he will go to many different lengths to convince you to come back. Don’t fall for it. He will LITERALLY try EVERYTHING. Especially if he realizes that your not budging and you mean it (this time).
He WILL try ANYTHING
The first thing he’ll probably do is sweet talk you into coming back. Basically tell you everything you want to hear, tell you that he will change and do whatever he needs to do to keep you in his life. He’ll tell you how much he loves you and misses you and can’t live without you. He’ll say every romantic thing in the book to get you back. This is only an act to get you to go back to him. You hurt him and if you do come back he’ll make sure you pay for that.
If he starts to realize that the sweet talking isn’t working he’ll try other acts that will be more excessive. He may try threatening you, telling you he’ll hurt you or himself or someone else if you don’t come back to him. He may start stalking you and calling your family members or your job constantly. Showing up to places your at or start to harass your friends about you. He might start stalking you on social media as well. He will most likely start acting like a crazy lunatic, especially if you keep your foot down to show him that none of its working.
Don’t Fall For It!
The action that you may have to take will be extreme but necessary for your safety and sanity as well. Log down in a book the dates and times of when he does what. Because if he starts acting like this crazy lunatic we’re talking about you will need to put a TRO on him. If he harasses and/or threatens you at all call the police and file a report. Don’t wait for something to happen especially if there are kids involved. Sadly, you may need to do these things in order to get your life back on track. If he starts destroying property then you DEFINITELY need to call the cops, ASAP!
All this drama will take an effect on you, including all the things that happened to you BEFORE you left. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Get therapy, get treatment, talk about it. You can only move forward, don’t look back, not even for a second!
4) Conclusion –
Many people who haven’t lived through an abusive relationship will not understand where your coming from. No one can really understand the things going through your mind and heart unless they have been there.
So talk to someone who will, like a group. Yes they have those. Don’t let it bother you. Just know that your doing the right thing leaving and this will only benefit you (and your kids) in the long run. No one should live that life. You are worth more than that.
Plan it, prepare yourself, and take the action. It’s your life only you can make that decision. Not him, YOU!
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