The Sad Truth
When it comes to abusive relationships people have tried to warn the abused about letting go and moving on. That they need to leave the abuser for good and never go back. Well, sadly it usually takes about 6-8 tries (or more) for the abused to permanently leave the relationship. I myself have tried a LOT of times before I finally left. And twice after about 6 months of departing him, I went right back. I myself did not understand why I kept going back. So I did what I needed to do to find out what was wrong with me.
It turns out, nothing was. It is VERY important for the abused woman to educate herself as much as she can on abusive relationships. Whether it is watching YouTube videos, reading books/e-books, joining support groups with other woman who have experienced similar (or worst) situations, it does not matter. You NEED to educate yourself. You are already confused on why this is happening to do and what to do about it. It is easy for an outsider to say, “Just leave”, but like I said in my other blog post, that is easier said than done for someone who is actually living it.
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When I first started wheening myself away from the abusive relationship it was because I reached a breaking point within me where I could not go on fighting anymore. I was just mentally, emotionally, even physically drained from all the things I was going through with him. I got so tired of dealing with the bulls*** and a part of me was hurt and pissed that I kept going through it, because I knew I was smarter than that.
One of the things that made me switch was the relationship that I had to repair with my children. I was so overly focused on his wants and needs that I felt like I was losing myself and a genuinely happy relationship with my children. I felt like my mind was so caught up in doing his bidding so that HE would be happy and comfortable that I completely forgot my needs and who I was, including the needs and wants of my children. Point is: This is no way to live. Erasing yourself only to make your spouse happy is no way to love. And if they keep letting you do it then they do NOT love you.
No More Psychological Breakdowns
Many people do not realize how psychologically damaging an abusive relationship is, even if it’s not physical. How the abuser unconsciously manipulates you into doing his bidding. How you constantly have that voice in the back of your head saying, “This is not right” or “Don’t do it”. But with a mixture of manipulation and fear you listen to him anyway, going against your better judgement. He convinces you subconsciously that everything he wants and needs is much more important than yours and no matter how you feel about anything, you have no say. He convinces you that you are not important. Your feelings are not important. And he does not care about your well-being.
But while he’s playing these mind games with you he does these little things that keeps your hopes up. He will talk sweet to you after he’s just thrown a temper tantrum. He’ll buy you flowers after he’s just punched you in the eye. He’ll tell you how much he can’t live without you after his jealousy and insecurities have beaten you down. Making you feel like you’ve cheated when in actuality you have done nothing wrong. And all these little mind games over a period of time messes with you, confuses you, and gives you that little sense of hope that just maybe he’s going through something right now and he’ll learn to love you correctly soon. Wrong. It won’t happen.
Abusers don’t know how to love. They do not know how to correctly process their emotions. Living like a 6-year-old in a 30-year-old body and they kick and scream at you when they don’t get what they want. Loving you one minute and hate you the next. You are NOT responsible for them. You are NOT responsible for there well-being. Stop putting that burden on yourself and realize that the only person that you need to take care of is you. And that first step to start is to leave the relationship, for good.
Finding Your Strength
I had to move on, whether I wanted to or not, whether he wanted me to or not. I was unable to live like that anymore. My children could not live like this anymore. I needed peace and security in my life, not chaos and pain. I woke up one day and made a vow to myself that he was NOT going to control me anymore and I would do whatever I needed to do to show him that. It became ugly. But I was willing to take that ugly and multiply it if it meant my peace and freedom.
Even if you feel you have no strength left (literally) you are in a fight for your life. You are in a fight for your very well-being. You are in a fight for your mind, body, and soul, literally. And once he sees that he is losing control he will take it up a notch in order to get that control back. And what do you do? The same. Do not feel bad for him because pity is what they work with the most. They try to play victim so you feel guilty for things that in reality, no one is guilty for but him. The abuser just makes it seem like that. Do NOT let his guilty/pity games play with you, do not give in. Remember you are in a fight for your LIFE. And for some of you there are other little lives involved that do not deserve to see or live in that type of treatment with an abuser. Keep these thoughts in the front of your mind because that is what will give you strength to push through.
The best thing a woman can do to repair herself and her life is to venture out and find herself again. There are many ways that you can do this but you will first need to heal from the inside. The best way to start this is through prayer and reading your bible. You may not feel right away but this will start working in your spirit and will be the number one priority to the healing process. Do it everyday. I suggest pray at least 3 times throughout the day and read your bible in the morning, before you go to bed, and during those brief waiting periods on the bus or between classes.
Get Some Therapy
Close to first place, therapy sessions are the best. They will help you see a lot of things in perspectives that you maybe haven’t noticed or realized before. Therapy will help you get things off of your chest and out of your mind and heart. Therapy will help you to learn how to deal with the healing process and will open your eyes to the why’s. Don’t be fooled, it is a great thing to do for someone who has been in an abusive relationship, but it will also be very hard because everything will need to come out. And the realization will throw you off guard. But it is a must. Do it for you.
Spend time with Loved Ones
Secondly, spend time with people. You will want to be alone and there will be moments where you should be. But spending time with people will help take your mind off of things and give you a good laugh. Try to have fun, it will be hard but just try it. After being in an abusive relationship you will most likely go into a depression and lose interest in everything, I did. For your own sake, try to have fun and enjoy yourself, smile. If you want to be alone, go for a car ride or sit at the park or beach, grab a morning coffee by yourself and sit inside. But do your best to put a smile on your face again, you deserve it.
Don’t Overthink and Get Some Energy Out
Lastly, get out some energy and keep your mind off of over thinking. Join a sport or a marathon, go to the gym, take a hike, go for a run or walk. Do something to relieve the emotions positively. If you want to join karate or maybe you like things more subtle like cooking or baking. Anything that will keep your mind from overthinking your situation. But be sure to get enough sleep. That helps the most.
Only you know you real well and you know what you need and what you want. You need to dig deep down and repair yourself. Remember who you were before the relationship started. You will need to pretty much start your life over and positively get back on track. Remember you are priority and no one you love around you can be happy watching you be miserable. So take care of yourself and do not let anyone tell you any different.
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