My three year experience of being with a narcissist/abuser has taught me so much. Even though I wish I never experienced it, at the same time I am grateful that I now understand it so much better. And the more I research and read, the more my eyes are opened.
I always think if I knew then what I know now I would have COMPLETELY walked away. No one can ever really understand what is happening unless they have come from a previous relationship that was controlling or abusive. It is hard to read the red flags when they first appear. But here are some big ones to help you decide if its safe to stay with him or not.
This is probably the hardest one to recognize off the bat. Why? Because everyone wants to impress or charm the pants off of someone you just started dating. The most key thing to look out for is if he is beyond charming.
What I mean by this is:
Is he asking way too many personal questions way too fast? Does he agree with everything you say? Does he like everything you like? Does he have the same beliefs as you? The same morals? Do you both like the same music? The same actors/actresses? Does he laugh at silly (or even stupid) things you say? Are you thinking to yourself that this is all wonderful? Or is it kind of weird?
These type of people do almost anything in the beginning to make it seem like you both were meant for each other. That it is a HUGE coincidence that you both love or hate the same things. Don’t get me wrong, having a strong connection with someone is perfectly fine. But in this case it will get WEIRD. So look out for these other signs.
2. Moves way too fast
I would say we weren’t even together for a month and he was already pressuring me to meet my family. Like really? I barely know you myself and you want to meet my family? That’s what I mean by weird.
Narcissistic or abusive people want to know every single thing about you. Including who your family or friends are, who you work with, where you work, where you hang out, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and why you are so close to so and so. The reason for this is if he knows everything about you, then he knows exactly what he needs to do to control you.
And it may sound normal in the beginning but remember that word.. weird. Like, why do you need to know what side of the building I smoke by? Or why are you so insistent on finding out how much social media accounts I have? Yeah, at the start of a dating relationship, that’s weird.
3. Becomes increasingly Controlling
And I do not take that word lightly, controlling. It’s gonna start off small and then one day it’s going to blow up into something big. Here are some personal examples:
- Wanting to know who you hang out with then telling you they don’t want you hanging out with them no more because they think your friend is just using you (when really they aren’t) or your too good for them
- Expecting you to give them 100% access to your phone/car/social media accounts/etc. but don’t you dare touch theirs
- You aren’t allowed to talk to certain people
- Your family is getting too involved in your relationship (even if their not) so you need to stop talking to them if you want to be with him
- You can’t wear certain things because your attracting too much attention
These are just a few examples. There are two things to ask yourself: is this normal and is this weird?
As the relationship gets deeper so does the trauma. His insecurities will come out (because they always have them) and you will be the one to answer to it. When this happens remember you ARE NOT the problem, he is.
He will accuse you of the most ridiculous things. Things that will make you go, “What?! ”
- Purposely trying to hurt him (when your not)
- Scheming or Plotting something behind his back to bring him down
- Talking bad about him to others
- Trying to get attention from other guys
- Trying to trick him into doing something to being him down
- Accusing you of cheating
Many narcissistic/abusive men have a top priority of playing with your mind. If they accuse you of doing something first then you cannot flip the script on them. A majority of the time, what they accuse you of doing is usually what they are doing behind your back to make themselves feel superior.
They are entitled to everything, anything, and anyone regardless of how wrong they are. For example, they will tell you how much money you can spend, when you can spend that money, and on what. Even if they have no job and your the only one working.
Everything that belongs to you belongs to them and you have no say in it. They are emotionless on how you feel about it and think your the crazy one for saying anything against it to them. No matter what they do, no matter how bad they treat you, they are entitled 100% to everything and anything they can get from you.
A personal example: I’ve had my car driven around for miles, days, and weeks at a time. My husband would put gas 5% of the time and never helped me pay a car bill. If my car broke down somehow he would not lift a finger to help me fix it or pay for it in any way.
But as soon as he got a car he expected me to help him in every way possible. Car payments, gas, new tires, anything he needed. Even if he wanted money to clean it. I had no choice but to give it to him because he was “entitled” to it. I was his partner and I had to fix all his problems.
Like I said everything was about him, not me. And I mean EVERYTHING! His emotions were greater, his problems more important, his needs were top priority. When your with someone like this you tend to lose yourself, who you are, and your self worth. One of the reasons is because your relationship falls into taking care of him and him alone. You are not important.
Everyone needs to be alert when meeting new people, especially narcissistic or abusive people. Remember this: narcissist are abusive. Whether there is physical violence or not, it doesn’t matter because the mental and emotional abuse has more lasting and severe effects.
You need to look out for you. Why? Because you are the only one that can.
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